She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
