so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
