My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
