We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
