I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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