Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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