I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
