I should be sponsored by Trojan
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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