I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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