i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize