so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
