it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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