Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
