I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
