new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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