the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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