someone threw a dead crab at me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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