My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
