i was rollin on her like bob the builder
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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