Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
