apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
