Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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