Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
