Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
