Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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