Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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