dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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