Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
