why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
