I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
