Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize