walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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