Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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