I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize