There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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