my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
