well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
