You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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