I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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