I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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