I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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