I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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