every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
