A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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