i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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