Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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