The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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