Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
