My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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