i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
