Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
