i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
