if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
