i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
