Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
