I wannas sexs uuuuu
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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