I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
